Blessed with Kingdom friends 💒

So, last sunday morning before I went for church service with my mum, I met up with my caregroup leader for the first time. Yes THE FIRST TIME. Despite having gone for church services for the past 2-3 years, I’ve never committed myself to joining the zone ministries (catered to diff age groups of youths), and much less have I taken the step to join a caregroup. 😇

But through my church counsellor and a friend of mine, I’ve decided to step forward to get myself connected to people of my age group, and be planted in a caregroup where I’ll be nurtured and grow in the house of God together with them. 💒

Cut the long story short, about a month or 2 before school official begun, I had already been added onto the telegram group for the caregroup I was in, and had gotten to meet a few of them briefly- though I’ve never gotten to know more about them and open myself up.

If you’ve read my previous posts or if you know me well enough, you’d have known that I’m not the sort of person who’d open up instantly to people, nor am I one who is ready to be friendly to ‘strangers’. I’d very much rather keep to myself, live in my small small cocoon-like world and be left alone, as I watch and listen to what others have to say and share. 🤐

So yes, back to my meet up. I was surprised when my caregroup leader,V,  texted me about meeting up as she wanted to get to know me better. No one has ever said that to me before, and I was really taken aback- I guess in a good way? It felt nice having someone wanting to know you better, being interested in you, being open to listening to what you’ve to share.  😊

Despite these positive emotions within me, I was hesitant. Yes I hesitated. As crazy as it might sound, I was afraid of her (or rather people in general) not being fond of me, I was afraid of judgement, I was afraid of rejection.

Deep down I know I crave for acceptance, yet I’ve been shunning people due to fears.  👽

Nonetheless I felt that the Lord was leading me to her, or rather, her to me. I felt God telling me to just go for the meetup, cuz nothing can go wrong when it’s all in His plans. I felt the Lord assuring me that this is the time for me to take a step forward, to take that leap of faith despite my inner struggles and fears.  🙌🏻

So yup I agreed, set a date and time, and met up with her this morning. 🌤

Boy it was such a amazing time even though it was a short hour plus of just casual chatting. It was casual, yet everything she spoke to me about made my spirit yearn for more. I was moved, I was in awe of how God uses people to reach out; and in this case, she was God’s instrument in reaching out to the lost sheep like me. 🐑

Many things she spoke about made me realize beliefs and thoughts that were buried within me which certainly weren’t beneficial for me and yet I’ve been harboring them all these while, the whole time. 💭

Things I came to realization about:

1. I feel that being alone is the way to go. I’ve been doing things alone. I’ve been shouldering my burdens myself, I’ve been depending on my strength way too much and far too often. I haven’t allowed myself to open up to people, I haven’t explored the avenues of listening ears God has blessed me with.                                                Yet, V reminded me that I DON’T have to do things alone, I don’t have to keep to myself, I don’t have to feel that I’m alone in all these. It’s a new season in life for me, and I know I’m greatly blessed simply by being connected in a care-group.  She reminded me that even though ‘doing things alone’ may have been my way of dealing with life all these while, it doesn’t have to be like this, it DOESN’T have to continue and perpetuate into this new season. She told me “God loves us with people too”. And that really spoke to me.                                         It made me realize that even though i try as much as possible to lean on God’s words, I’m not making full use of His blessings for me. Initially i thought she was implying that i wasn’t ‘doing things with God’, i wasn’t seeking HIs counsel, i wasn’t praying about my decisions and all. BUT i realized that it goes way beyond just praying to God and talking to Him, it encompasses walking with God, and walking in line with what is in His will. With such a warm and friendly care-group i’m connected with, they’re no doubt people whom God has placed in my life for a reason, we’re all divinely put into each others’ lives for His purpose. And even though i have yet to know them well, I can be sure that as God’s children, we can all count on each other for help and counsel, we can provide comfort for one another. 👭💞

Psalms 37:23-24                                                                                                                                                         The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord,And He delights in his way.Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; For the Lord upholds him with His hand.

• I’m extremely unaware of my own emotions. If you were to ask me how i feel, when i last felt joyful, when i last felt sad, i can assure you that i wouldn’t know the answer. And i feel that all through my life, I wasn’t one who articulated my feelings well, and much less to someone whom i was strangers with. After falling into MDD, i guess that worsened things and made me even more numb to things that were happening around me, to my own emotions flowing through the veins of mine. It has been very very difficult trying to identify how i feel exactly each time my therapists asks. And when V asked, i was stumped, i was at a loss, a complete loss. I kinda murmured ‘i don’t know. err. i feel neutral’ to almost every single question she asked, to which i felt like futile shots which yielded no new answers. 🔫                                                                After our chats, she reminded me that I DON’T have to feel ‘neutral’, i don’t have to live this way everyday just because ‘life’s like that’. Of course i don’t have to be excited for school each morning, i don’t have to be enthusiastic and thrilled about every single thing. BUT i can look forward to each new day, i can be hopeful, because i know that the Lord has great things in store for me, i know that the Lord ordains my steps, and I am certain that the Lord is watching over me. Yes i know there may be days when everything feels like it has gone wrong, i know that there’re dark and gloomy days when everything disagrees with you, when your clothes don’t match and your tears smudges your make-up. There’re bound to be such difficult days, hard times are inevitable. BUT it DOESN’T have to be difficult for us, because we are children of God, and we can place our hopes in Him which will never disappoint, never fail.  🙏🏻🌈

Romans 5:5                                                                                                                                                                   Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

• I’m in a new season of my life, and i can’t continue living in denial, or avoidance. This new journey I’ve embarked on as i just ended my first week in university, has begun. There’s absolutely no need for me to continually procrastinate about things i ought not to. Being ‘technically’ connected with my care-group is one thing, but physically meeting up, be it casual ones, or during church events, is something else altogether. Deep down i know i’ve been avoiding a lot,  I’ve been shunning way too many things out of fear.👿                                                                                                                      BUT i’ve learnt that i don’t have to fear, i don’t have to run away. ❌🏃🏼 The Lord has placed me in this place, at this season of my life for a reason, and i’m supposed to ENJOY it, I’m supposed to make full use of it, I’m supposed to be embrace this new season with expectancy. As much as my fears and insecurities still grip me, i just gotta keep reminding myself that all my care-group friends are people who’re special, they’re people who’ll be there for me when i falter, they’re people who’ll comfort me when i stumble and fall. I don’t have to avoid out of fear, i don’t have to shun out of shame. i don’t. You, too, don’t. 👊🏻💪🏻

 

• My priorities at this point in my life is very important, esp so when i’ll be very caught up with school work amongst other things. I can choose to place school work, grades, appearances, above everything else, or i can choose to prioritize God, and let Him be my number 1 on my list. “As cliche as it might sound, it’s only cliche only because of how true it is”, V told me this. And yes how true it is! I’ve realized that even though i do update my blog once in a while, i do read His word everyday (or at least i try my very best to), there’s more to this than just reading the bible, the devotionals. It’s not simply about spending time in His word, no doubt it’s of high importance too, but also to be spending time in the plans He has crafted for us- which includes being around kingdom friends, engaging in small talks that may be completely random, but remind each other that we’re cared for, we’re loved, we’re remembered. It’s not about i’ve been through the many phases of school life when school work mounts and there leaves me so so so little time for myself, when i get so overwhelmed with grades and achievements that i forsake other MUCH MORE important things in my life. The past few years of college definitely wasn’t enjoyable for me; it was hectic, it was crazy, it was torturous to a certain extent. I forsook so many things, i’ve neglected my other priorities, and my life seemed to have revolved around nothing but work and more work. 📕📖📋                                                                                                                   Yet, V reminded me that even as i’ve had an unpleasant experience in college, it DOES NOT have to carry on into this new season, it DOES NOT define what my years ahead are. Rather, it serves as a reminder for me of the importance of priorities. As much as i’m gonna get real busy with school, perhaps even more busy than college, it makes it all the more crucial for me to spend whatever free time i have wisely, to spend it to the fullest. And I’m gonna start challenging these irrational fears of mine, these deceiving voices within me, that tell me I’m not good enough, that i’ll be judged, that I’m incapable. I’m gonna challenge myself to make it a point to meet up with more people, to connect more with my kingdom friends, to live each day to the fullest, to what God desires of me. ✨🌈

The short casual meet up was amazing and i truly believe that God has put this in His divine plan, for me to realize and learn that i am indeed well-loved by Him; and not just by Him, but by people He placed in my life to love me.

It is my prayer, that you’ll have a fresh and personal revelation of how much you’re loved; so that you can in turn love others, and yourself. ❤️

A Picnic with pals and Jesus- Part 2

As my previous post’s title says, it’s just part 1! Meaning there’s gonna be a 2nd part to it! 💌

Yup it is no doubt that I thoroughly enjoyed myself over the picnic, over the delish food that everyone brought along, over the brain juices-draining games.

But what impacted me the most were the conversations; those that everyone engaged in freely and openly; that everyone just shared and listened with an open heart, chipping in encouragements along the way. 🗣💕

Opening up initially was tough, it was no doubt anxiety provoking. Personally I’m not someone who opens up to people easily, I’m not one who takes the initiative to befriend, never one who would share so openly about my life, be it struggles or victories. 😰

Yet as time passed, I found myself settling in, I found myself at greater ease around all of them- even if they were new friends I’ve just met once!! 👭

 

Indeed all these isn’t possible with God. He gave me the courage to first, accept this invitation to a social event. Second, He gave me the comfort in the atmosphere which I needed much, so that I could share more openly than I ever thought I would have. And last but not the least, He gave me these friends who were so so friendly that my anxieties just faded as we chatted. ☺️

Over those conversations, some were mere chats over the most random things under the sun, while others were deeper sharing from our personal lives and experiences. Regardless of what they revolved around, it proved to me once again that relationships are so important in our lives, that friendships are so crucial in growing up, that we’re never alone- for God has blessed me with such lovely friends for a reason, for His purpose. 🌈

I’m not sure how many of them are believers, neither do I know what kinds of teachings they subscribe to in their own churches. Yet I’m looking forward to being able to bring forth God’s words, to spread His truth, to be a vessel for Him, to be used as an instrument for His glory and honour. ✨

“Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word, in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity.”                                                                                                                                                   I Timothy 4:12 NKJV

Indeed it was an amazing time spent basking in the warm love of Jesus. I’m looking forward to more of such picnics with them 💕🍓🍏🍠

 

p.s. photo credits to Nat! Her camera is amazinggggg.

Picnic with pals and Jesus- part 1

What condiment in food is better than having it with great company over a time of joy, laughter, amusing and deep conversations as we mind blowing games? Yes I went for my FIRST ever picnic last weekend. I admit I’ve never been to one before, or at least, have never agreed to go for any, because I’m not nature-kinda person. I dislike insects and all creepy crawlies, I dislike getting dirty on the sand and mud. (Who knows what lies inside) And my anxiety doesn’t make it any easier for me either. Whenever I had friends arrange such outings, I’ve excused myself time and time again for fear of social awkwardness, fear of food, fear of being rejected and left alone, simply drowned in so many fears. ❌😣

Yet last week, I was faced with yet another tough decision. To go or not. I was afraid of meeting new people who would dislike me, I was afraid of rejection. I was frightened of the social awkwardness I might bring about or the little or lack of any sort of conversation I might be able to initiate. I was afraid of the food, and the thought of facing fear foods still trapped me. I was afraid, of simply everything. 👿

But as I pondered upon that decision, something just kept speaking to me within, telling me to give it a go, encouraging me to trust God and let go. I believe it was the Holy Spirit in work. 😌💞

As I thought, deliberated, pondered, I realised I was holding to a lot of my personal fears and anxieties that not just surrounded food and people, but spoke deeper within. I was afraid of interactions, for fear of rejection; afraid of eating socially, for fear of judgement; amidst many others. 🤖

BUT God reminded me with a verse in Matthew. 🐑

Matthew 11:28-30                                                                                                                                                    “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Indeed I was too heavy hearted, carrying too much within me, walking about feeling troubled and uncertain of myself. I was weary of the thoughts that were drowning me.

I realised I was leaning on my own strength, I was looking to myself for peace, I’ve been too self-conscious.

God doesn’t want it that way. Jesus reminded me in that verse that He takes all who are heavy in heart,  who are not at rest, who are not at peace, and He gives them peace, He supplies rest, His grace is sufficient and made perfect in our weaknesses. ✨👊🏻

Finally I  accepted the invitation and had an amazing time there. It was truly a time of joy, fun and laughter, of emotional sharings yet in a very light hearted atmosphere. The food was great and as time passed I felt my anxiety of eating around people ease up. 🙂

It has been the longest time ever since I’ve accepted such an invitation to social events. And what more eating around people I only know slightly or not at all. The moments before it was terrifying, frightening, anxiety provoking. Yet I relished the moments spent with such lovely people over delish food and jovial conversations. 👭

As I basked in the rays of sunlight that brought forth warmth, I too, was basking in God’s great warm love for me, for you.

As the breeze shuffled the trees around me, God’s grace and love has once again blown me away. 🌈🍃

Indeed God’s grace is found in resting in Him. ❤️

p.s. this was probably just half of the food we had hehe 😛

led by emotions? NOT.

Hi all! Sorry for the lack of posts recently. I’m gonna be starting school soon, and there’s quite abit for me to do. I’m worried that when i start school, i won’t have enough time to update this blog 😦 but i promise i’ll try my best to update whenever possible! 👌🏻

For now i’d just like to share something amazing which happened that brought me to writing this post now. So today i saw a post which my friend shared on Facebook, (i’ll include the link below later) and out of curiosity i clicked on it. It was a really wonderful piece of writing that spoke a lot to me. Then i checked my inbox to look at all the unread devotionals i had subscribed to, and as i randomly clicked on one, the verse that stared at me was the exact same verse i had just read minutes ago! There and then, i felt like God really wanted me to read more into the verse and meditate on it for my own revelations of it. 🙏🏻

Romans 12:2                                                                                                                                                                    And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

I’ve come to realise that in many things i do, i tend to go with the flow of my emotions, i follow the ups and downs of my mood, regardless of what the situation may deem me to do. When I’m feel great, i realise i become more motivated to recover, i find more meaning in life, i smell the sweet aroma of freedom lurking. However on occasions when I’m down and out, i feel absolutely lousy, lack complete drive to stay on track in recovery, and if not, even to slide back. Time and time again, these have happened, and i won’t deny that I’m still not freed from this. 👿

Yet, i thank God that i am aware of what has been happening, and what is still happening, and i thank God for providing the solutions to all my problems. There’s nothing wrong with emotions, there’s nothing wrong with experiencing them. God gave them to us for a reason, and we need to learn to appreciate it. 🙏🏻

BUT BUT BUT God did not give us emotions, so that we can be controlled by them, or be led by them. God didn’t ordain for the Holy Spirit to live in us, only to have us follow the leadings of our emotions. There’s a reason why the Holy Spirit lives in us, and there’s a reason why God specifically told us to walk in the Holy Spirit, to allow ourselves to be taught by it. 🐑👣

John 14:26                                                                                                                                                                     But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you.

As abstract as it may sound, you may be wondering ‘how do i feel the holy spirit??’ ‘how do i walk in it??’

Yes, I’ve asked myself those questions many times and I’ve asked God many times too. And I’ve come to realise that the more we ‘try’ in our mere human intelligence to discern what the holy spirit is, the more we get confused between the worldly thoughts, and that of the Spirit’s. So i’ve learnt to pray for wisdom, to pray that in all i do, the wisdom of God shall be with me, so that i can discern which thoughts are of the Spirit’s and which are not. 💭

Just like in recovery, there’s a gazillion and one times when I’m faced with an avalanche of thoughts and voices that never fail to confuse and bewilder me. There’re times when I’m at a complete loss of what to do, what thoughts to act on, which voices to heed. There’re occasions when i feel all helpless and hopeless, and have given up all hope on myself. I’ve been through all of that but God is faithful and He never left me, He never leaves. He promises that the we shall be filled with the power of the Holy Spirit so that we can walk in it, and be filled with hope, faith and love. 💕✨

Romans 15:13 
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

As i embark on a new season in life real soon, i know and I’ve been reminded that i will face triggers no matter where i am, no matter who’s with me. There’s always gonna be people who affect me, who trigger my ED thoughts and cause a whirlpool of emotions to surface. I know that in and of myself, i am still vulnerable, i am still weak. 😔

BUT i know that my God is strong, and HE will be my strength and help in times of need. Even as the devil tries to tempt me to give in and give up, I know that I am able to not be led by my feelings and moods, because of the power of the Holy Spirit who lives in me. 💪🏻

The Holy Spirit lives in you too 🙌🏻

doing it for Jesus #difJ

Hi all! I apologise for the lack of posts as i was pretty caught up with school stuff. As some of you may know, i’m starting university soon and I’m predicting that i’ll start to get real busy for the upcoming semester. BUT I’m trying NOT to use that as an excuse to drift away from God and His words, and of course, to spend time meditating on them and posting my blogposts!

If you’ve seen my recent instagram post, you’d have read that i kinda got a little ‘inspired’ to do a post here, which is why I’m writing this now! so hmm, let me start off with a little anecdote. (you can skip it if you’re lazy heh)

Basically, last weekend, i met up with some of my church friends who are in the same university as me, to have a briefing/session together regarding th bidding of lessons in uni. It was my first time meeting them as i just joined the youth group (or they call it varsity group in my church) and i was a little apprehensive initially. But God proved to me that my fears were uncalled for. They were all really warm, friendly and welcoming! I felt so at ease with them throughout the entire session despite not knowing anyone of them from the start! So yes during the session, we were discussing which timeslots to bid for and arranging to see if we could match any of our lessons together so that we could go for lessons with each others. Then a guy mentioned that he ‘doesn’t wanna do morning lessons’ for some compulsory workshop all students have to bid for (who wants to wake up so early ya??) And another guy just instantly chipped in ‘come on, it’s just 2 lessons! do it for Jesus bro!’ Everyone just laughed at that and he was like ‘i know there’s no link but let’s just get it over and done with!’ 🤓

At that instant, what initially meant to be a ‘joke’ spoke to me. Perhaps everyone felt that yeah, there’s kinda no link to waking up early for classes and Jesus. And yes, as much as i do agree that it’s kinda far-fetched to link both together, it also reminded me of the importance of keeping Jesus in our hearts, in all that we do. 💞

More often than not, we rush about doing our daily activities, get busy with friends, schoolwork, jobs, etc. The demands of life just seem unending and intolerable to some extent. Sometimes we wish we could tune out of life, take a longer breather, and sometimes we find it difficult to find that inner self-motivation to push us beyond our boundaries, out of our comfort zones. Sometimes we yearn for the moment of rest and peace within, yet we find ourselves unable to truly and fully rest, unable to focus, and we lose drive after a while. Time and time again, these happen far too often, and we realise that we soon get sick and tired of the mundane life that buzzes by us, the thoughts that drain us of our energy and motivation every moment it strikes. We lose hope.

Through it all that I’ve been through, and am still going through, I realised that one of the most, if not, the most, crucial thing to note is that we should ALWAYS ALWAYS keep Jesus in our hearts, in our minds, in our midst. 💕👭

❝ In Christ, there’s nothing gone that cannot be restored, and nothing undone that cannot be achieved. ❞

Back to the anecdote i shared above. Truly, it’s all about doing it for Jesus. ❤️

No matter how trivial an issue may seem.                                                                                                                                 No matter how large a challenge appears.                                                                                                  No matter how strong your enemies look.                                                                                                  No matter how loud the voices in you rage. No matter how many tears you’ve shed.                No matter how many times your heart has been broken.                                                                                No matter how dim and hopeless your situation is.

Jesus restores, He heals, He revives. 💪🏻

I know how tough it is at times when the thoughts seem deafeningly loud, when anxieties soar and your heart palpitates like never before, when you break down simply cuz you don’t feel like moving on anymore, when you just want to end it all. I know, i understand, I empathise with all these raging emotions. I’ve experienced them, been through them, and still go through them. 😔

BUT BUT BUT. Do it for Jesus. 👊🏻

As simple a phrase it sounds, it encapsulates a heavy and deep meaning behind it, and even more so, in my heart. It really reminds me that in all i do, it should be Jesus-centred, it ought to be, it has to be- if i want my way to prosper. God wants us to seek Him in all that we do, to not get distracted and to keep our sights on Him. It’s about looking unto Him, the author and finisher of our faith, it’s about walking our journeys with Him, running our races with Him. 👣

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

When my circumstances seem gloomy and hopeless, when I feel weak and lonely, when I can’t find the inner strength to carry on, when I look around me and see no light- I know all i have to do is to look to Jesus, and do it for Jesus. And i know all will be worth-while, I know I can look forward to the hope of glory, because of Christ who lives in me. ✨🙌🏻

So yup, i’m gonna challenge myself to #difJ whenever i get overwhelmed with the sheer pressures and lies of the devil. Would you #difJ? (do let me know if you’re interested in starting this hashtag on instagram!!)

ⓟⓢ i came up with the “quote” above myself!! hehe it was kinda at the spur of the moment! i believe it was the works of the Holy Spirit in me!! 😊