Thoughts- feeling betrayed?

Analogy:

Keeping a lookout on the left side of the road, when cars only travel from the right… If you get hit, its only because you weren’t looking in the right direction, right?

Have you ever felt betrayed? By a close friend or family? 

How friends that were seemingly close like no other just drift away when life happens? Or how family members can be so two-faced and pretentious?

Or even by yourself? By how your thoughts and your actions contradict themselves so much? You know the ‘right’ way to think but yet act in an opposite manner when the circumstances ‘force’ you to. 

I feel like i’m constantly in such a mode. Feeling both betrayed by others and myself. Betrayal comes from the unexpected- when you least expect something to happen and yet it does, you get caught off guard and start spiralling downward in this negative whirlwind. 

As I was crossing the road today, I realised I was looking in the wrong direction for oncoming cars. And that gave me inspiration to write this (of course by the grace of God). 

More often than not, the unexpected happens because we’re looking in the wrong direction. In most circumstances, we feel betrayed because we look to men to fulfil our desires, our needs and wants; we look to ourselves to fill that deep void within our hearts, that emptiness incomprehensible at times. 

But as I pondered upon ‘looking in the right direction’, it dawned on me that the right direction for us should always be to Christ; looking to Jesus as our ultimate goal, desiring to live more and more like Him. 

As the bible reminds us, 

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”
Hebrews 12:1 (NKJV)

The race of faith should always be from a position with our eyes fixed on Jesus, not to men, not to ourselves; for it is Him who supplies the grace for our faith, which fuels our journey with Him and on this Earth. 

Speaking about betrayal, I am also reminded that Jesus himself had to suffer the betrayal of his own disciple too. 

In Matthew 26:21
“Now as they were eating, He said, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, one of you will betray Me.’” 

Here, Jesus knew that Judas was going to betray Him, but He maintained such an elegant and poise demeanour. WHYYY?

In the earlier verse, Matthew 26:1-2
“Now it came to pass, when Jesus had finished all these sayings, that He said to His disciples, ‘You know that after two days is the Passover, and the Son of Man will be delivered up to be crucified.’ “

So clearly, Jesus knew His ‘fate’/ ‘goal’ , it wasn’t to keep all His disciples faithful (though it would have been ideal), it wasn’t to gain fame and fortune in His lifetime, but rather, it was to be a sacrifice for all mankind, then and forever. 

Keeping His eyes in the right direction, for the right purpose that His father sent Him, allowed Jesus to always remain focused, alert and not distracted by what others did or said, no matter how painful it was. 

I bet you it was painful for Jesus to know that His own disciple would end up betraying him days before His departure, but yet He did not allow His human emotions to get in the way of His goal, to throw in the towel and give up. 

I think for us (me to say the least), emotions always get in our way of our goals. We allow the fleeting human emotions to direct our paths, shape our wants, and sometimes even come to a standstill in life, being absolutely directionless. 

I hope and pray that as we are blessed with being able to have and feel emotions, may we not allow it to overwhelm us with confusion, to cause us to forget our true identity and to dim our vision of the author and finisher of our faith.

Thoughts; belated Easter!

How’s everyone dealing with this virus situation? Lockdowns (i mean circuit breaker…) are no joke; they cause so much disruptions to our usual routine, resulting in much fear and anxiety about the unknown and the uncertain.

There’re limited places we can visit these days, as more and more bans are being imposed even in public areas. So, i’m left with the parks. As I was taking a slow walk back home this morning, some thoughts swarmed my mind and I thought I needed to jot it down somewhere before I forgot to share!

So here is goes;

If you ever think that God doesn’t know what you’re going through, He does. Not only does He know what you’re going through but He knows what thoughts are going through you too. 

Be it thoughts that are full of self-condemnation, thoughts of fear, regrets, thoughts that chide yourself for doing/saying things you know you ought not to, but still did anyway, thoughts that wish you were so done with life, thoughts that lament at the unfairness of things around, thoughts that are full of anger, self-hatred, hatred for the world, even thoughts that question God at times.

These are thoughts we have, whether occasionally or regularly- or at least for me. And God knows them all.

2000 years ago at the cross, He foresaw you, He foresaw the thoughts you are going to go through, the thoughts you’re going to entertain and the thoughts that may keep you chained. But yet, despite what He saw, He was willing and resolute in His ‘mission’ to be a sacrifice for you and I, so that today, we can stand and say, ‘Death has no sting on me, His resurrection power lives in me.’ 

” “O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?” The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. ”
1 Corinthians 15:55-57 (NKJV)

When we encounter thoughts that seek to tear us away from God, destroy our relationships, condemn our identity, I hope that we’ll constantly remind ourselves of what Jesus has done on the cross- once and for all- for you and I to live out the potential He has put in us, the good plans He has promised, to be a light that shines for Him.

Easier said than done, of course I know that. Thoughts are invisible like the virus, you never know when the strike and attack, how long they stay and linger, which areas in your life they affect and destroy. However, unlike the virus which as of now has no cure nor vaccine; we have a hope so secure, we have an armour so protective, we have a risen God so loving.

“This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters the Presence behind the veil, where the forerunner has entered for us, even Jesus, having become High Priest forever according to the order of Melchizedek.”
Hebrews 6:18-19 (NKJV)

 

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Ephesians 6:10-13

As I ran through these thoughts, I came to realise that though yesterday was Easter Sunday, these thoughts aligned with the Easter theme so much! So here’s a belated Easter post!

I pray that even as we continue to struggle with self-condemning thoughts, we’ll also continue to remind ourselves of the hope, the armour and a God we have to fight these battles for us.

Blessed belated Easter!

Stay home, stay safe, stay sane 🙂 

Faith > Fear

Ever since the Coronavirus erupted, the world has changed dramatically. 

We find ourselves tuning in to news updates; daily, every hour, minute and second. Our devices are ever buzzing with new information from all sources- trusted and untrusted. Global news updates are massively increasing, be it on the virus or the economy or social issues; but so are fake news. Conmen seize such ‘opportunities’ to benefit themselves- an occurrence I still can’t comprehend. 

Despite all of these economic problems arising, discomfort with changes in lifestyles due to quarantines imposed, work from home schedules, social distancing in public and so on, how are we responding? 

To be quite frank, initially, my faith was unshaken. I strongly believe (and still do) that Jesus is in control and will always be. The entire Coronavirus saga is NOT from Him but yet He’ll allow this to use it as an opportunity for the world to know Him, to come into contact with Him, to feel Him, to experience His touch personally. 

And in spite of the increasing cases worldwide, I’m thankful that the technology we have available today allows for quick detection, that we’ve scientists working endlessly to find cures and vaccines, that our healthcare system in Singapore especially, is superb in our facilities, that our institutions are all working hand in hand to ensure seamless contact tracing, that our government is so ever supportive in not just boosting the economy, but the welfare of its people, not letting any get sifted through its nets of benefits.

And the list goes on, there’s just so much to be thankful for, and perhaps without this Coronavirus, we wouldn’t have seen all these and realize that there’s much to be thankful for.

That said, I have to say that the world’s responses and emotions will inevitably affect ours. We can be full of faith one moment

but fear the next. We can be declaring healing and restoration one minute but be doubtful of what we say next.

As the world gets darker and darker amidst this seemingly ending storm that’s raging on with fears that are ever rising, we can unknowingly get sucked into this cycle of fear and anxiety too. It’s one thing to be cautious, to exercise social responsibility and wisdom in our actions, but another, to act out of fear and worry. I empathise with this as I watch for myself how the actions and behaviours of people around me have inevitably affected the way I think, act and operate. 

Despite so, I’m thankful that the Lord is faithful and always has His ways of drawing me back to His word, His truth that anchors me, protects me and brings hope in this darkness. 

“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
Romans 15:13 (NKJV) 

Sometimes I do wonder, where exactly is God in all of this? Can He just put a stop to this asap? It’s causing too much disruptions in all our lives and as a creature of habit, it’s seriously unbearable to have my schedules turned topsy turvy. 

But then again, I need to hit pause (literally and metaphorically). I need to remind myself that God’s ways are above my ways, above men’s ways, His thoughts are above ours and there’s no way we are going to be able to fully comprehend what He is allowing now. Perhaps, on hindsight, when this pandemic blows over, we might; but rather than wait for that ‘hindsight’ to come, why not be present? Be in the now; be in the present; and most importantly, be in the presence of God. 

As we can all see and experience for ourselves, the general trend across nations is for people to stay home, stop social events, curb unnecessary interactions- literally hitting a PAUSE button on our social lives. For social creatures, this is seen as a curse, but even for the non-social ones, normal events like grocery shopping has turned into a much dreaded trip since queues are long, stocks are running low etc. 

While I do have my fair share of sulking in one corner and complaining about all these inconveniences, perhaps, just perhaps, this PAUSE is a much needed break we all need from our hustle and bustle? Perhaps, the PAUSE is an opportunity for us to spend more time with friends whom we’ve never thought we would get to interact much, online? Perhaps, this PAUSE is for us to spend more time with the Lord, be it in our conversations with Him in our own ways of worship, or with kingdom friends? There could be so many perhaps, and we’d never know what God’s plan is. But perhaps, it’s much better to see what we can do with the present gift of PAUSE and taste for ourselves what true rest is? 

“Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him”
Psalm 34:8 (NIV)

I pray that even as we get bombarded each day with more and more news updates, more victims and more turmoil, we shall not succumb to the spirit of fear, but be a vessel that can be used by God to bless others around.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 1:7

2019 was a blur. 2020, I dread you.

I used to share long ‘inspirational’ posts as the year draws to an end and a new year springs forth; hopefully to inspire some people out there, or perhaps to make myself feel better after having reflected on the countless lessons learnt.

This time around, as 2019 slipped away without me knowing and 2020 hits me in the face, I honestly don’t have much to share about. Yes, many things have happened; I’ve experienced my fair share of some ups and many downs; met new people, lost some; gained insights in some areas but lost clarity in others etc. The list goes on. But, I have to say that 2019 was a blur. I pretty much don’t know what I was doing with my life (not that I knew in prior years), didn’t quite have a goal in mind, basically, I was tethering the edge of existence, and wasn’t living.

Well, before you claim I’m being very negative and all, I guess not all’s doom and gloom. I’ve experienced, learnt, grown, in ways I didn’t expect and still can’t believe some of my encounters. I guess, I can never escape the relentless love of God, the way it chases me even though I see myself as a gone case, lost all hope and many times, doubt myself and my faith. His love never ends, it never ceases to hunt me down till I’m found.

On hindsight, there were many areas where I felt trapped, lost and hopeless but God’s handprints were always in the nooks and crannies that I wouldn’t expect, least to say, deserve it. The small victories I gained despite being the least deserving of all, the failures which taught me not to be too hard on myself, mini challenges I made through by His grace–  all of which wouldn’t have been possible relying on my own feeble strength.

2019 was nothing spectacular like what many on social media would post to be; I didn’t travel, didn’t go on adventures, didn’t do bungee jumps or taste the snow. But it suffices to say that for someone who sees living each day as a challenge in itself, surviving the year is indeed a feat only grace can conquer.

As 2020 hits me hard in my face, I feel absolutely unprepared, unready and uncertain about for it. In fact, I dread it (I think I dread every coming year?). Being caught in the middle of entering a new phase in life in the months to come, yet still being unable to cope with my current ‘self/ identity/ status’, it’s unimaginable how this transition is gonna take its toll on me. I can’t begin to imagine just how torn, worn out, afraid, insecure, I would be in the months leading up. Fear is an understatement. Anxiety sky-rockets each time I find a thought fleet by. I am honestly scared. 

Yet I know that I’ve had times and seasons when fear appears to cripple me but I emerged slightly stronger from the ordeal, realised that things may not be as bad as it seemed initially, and most importantly, if God is for me, who can be against me? 

I still am fearful of what lies ahead; anxious about saying goodbye to ends, and hellos to new beginnings; unsure about what life entails for me; dreadful at the sheer thought of change. But recalling the past small victories I’ve conquered serves as a good reminder that my God is real and that God is good, all the time.

In the new seasons ahead, I just pray that the fear that threatens to cripple me will lose its grip when love embraces. And that when I’m in the valleys, may I remember how I’ve been brought to the hilltops; when I’m broken and shattered, may I remember how He loves to use broken people; when I feel absolutely worthless, may I remember that He brings ashes to life; when I’m afraid, may I remember His perfect love that casts out all fear. 

And beloved, I pray the same for you too ❤ 

 

xx CC

 

A whisper

I used to think that in order to be deemed ‘right’ with God, or to be seen ‘walking in God’s ways’, I had to be super involved in all church activities, be serving like most of my other friends are, basically be as ‘holy’ as possible, just so that I could ‘earn’ the favour of God. Otherwise, I’m bound to fail.

And for the very same reason, whenever I’m faced with struggles and disappointments, I put the blame on how ‘unholy’ I was in my ways, how I never prioritised God like others did, how I failed to lean in on His word even when I knew I should have.

It’s a vicious cycle, never ceasing to bring my deeper in my troubles, causing me to sink further than I knew.

Lately, I caught a thought that fleeted through my mind and decided that I should type this out here just so I can keep track of small personal reflections and revelations that God drops into my heart- in case my memory fails me.

A small whisper told me, “You don’t have to be in Ministry to be a testimony for God. In anything that you do, you CAN be a testament to His good grace and faith. In anything you endeavour, you CAN be a light that shines towards others, for Him. In any walk of your life, as long as you keep your eyes on God, know and believe that with Him, you shall prosper.”

And I was like WOW??? I probably heard this preached before some time/ a long time ago. But to have it spoken personally to ME, especially in such a time when I am feeling super discouraged in my walk with God, it just awed me in so many aspects.

First, God spoke to ME. In spite of my fears of not being a ‘good (enough) Christian’ and thinking that i’m the last person who would ever hear from Him, He has proven otherwise. In the good times, in the bad and in the most unexpected, He never fails to show up. And if He can do so for me, He will do so for YOU.

Second, it was merely a small fleeting thought/ whisper that ran through my mind in my daily routines. I wasn’t reading the bible or listening to sermons, doing nothing of the like. YET, the whisper albeit soft, caused my heart to feel so deeply for it and really touched me on how apt this was for this season I am in. It certainly reminded me of this verse:

“Then He said, “Go out, and stand on the mountain before the Lord.” And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.” 
1 Kings 19:11-12 (NKJV)

The Lord will appear in a still small voice, if you tune in and listen. 

Third, I’ve been so caught up in this ‘comparison rat race’ that I have never felt that I would ever measure up to anyone or anything. Sure, there’re people who compliment me on countless occasions but deep down, I feel like such a pretentious person, wearing on a facade that nobody sees through. No matter how hard I worked, I don’t reap the rewards I desired/ deserved. And even when I do on small rare occasions, these small joys soon get overwhelmed with the insurmountable failures, disappointments and hatred I felt for myself; which then led me to condemn myself of not being ‘holy’ enough and therefore God doesn’t want to bless me etc etc.

But, the still small whisper told me that it isn’t my good works that would make God any more proud of me, it isn’t my deeds that would earn me my rewards on Earth. I could still be a successful testament of God in my daily routines simply by putting Him in the midst of the things I do, and knowing that He is with me; which also brings to mind another verse:

The Lord was with Joseph, and he was a successful man; and he was in the house of his master the Egyptian. And his master saw that the Lord was with him and that the Lord made all he did to prosper in his hand.
Genesis 39:2-3 (NKJV)

When the Lord is with you, you shall prosper too. 

Yes i’m just jotting these reflections down so that hopefully I would remember them better. In any case, if you’ve bothered to read my random musings, I hope it blessed you!!

xx, C.C

 

Tired?

It’s funny, isn’t it? That I’ve been hearing so many songs recently revolving around the theme of “Tired“. I don’t have to list them all here, I’m sure you would know of the many popular songs that appear on our Spotify playlist somehow, or that play constantly on TV advertisements.

Is being ‘tired‘ the new black? Seems like it.

I wouldn’t fault anyone, given the fast paced life we’re all living, and the incessant deadlines to meet whether in school or at work, or the small deadlines we put upon ourselves to complete self-given tasks. Society is only getting faster and faster, so much so that even robots have to be constantly upgraded so as to keep up with the pace that previous robots can’t. Work is only going to be mounting, even as we manage to sneak in some breaks here and there, there’ll always be something else gnawing at us at the back of our head, reminding us of yet another deadline to meet, another task to complete. With this, how can one not be tired? Seems like even the media has gained insight into this ‘running‘ theme and made songs out of it.

Reflecting on what I’ve been going through over the past summer and past week of school, I, too am tired. While I didn’t have a very productive summer, or have many modules to cope with this semester, I certainly am still running my own rat race in my mind, and have been since forever. 

Whenever someone asks me, ‘How’re you?‘- that’s the most dreadful question ever. It’s open-ended and opens up to sooo many possibilities I can churn out given whatever mood I was in that day. More often than not, I’d say ‘I’m good/ I’m okay’ (somewhere along those lines so people won’t probe me). But in actuality, I myself have no idea how i truly am. Among all the emotions I may feel, I think I’m drained and tired- of having to go through the same battles day in and out, having to fight wars that I didn’t ask for, having to face despair and hopelessness even when things ‘seemed great’.

I could go on and on about how I feel my life sucks so much, how I hate (yes, hate) my life, how I abhor the people who make my life so much worse each day and how much I wish I could just end it all.

BUT, I’m not gonna go there.

I’m grateful that despite the depressing and dreadful thoughts I face at any given moment of my waking existence, somehow God manages to catch me when I fall. Sometimes, I fall deeper, sometimes not so deep. But there was always a net below that would make sure I would still survive.

I’m not sure how I digressed from being ‘tired’ to such a melancholic topic. But I guess what I wanted to say is that, I may be tired, put down and out, but God would always be there supplying the grace and strength I needed.

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.
Matthew 11:28-30

I may not know the whys and hows of my problems, but I certainly know that as a Child of God,  I am made for more, and I can only pray that I would someday be a testimony for Him.

 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope;  because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God.
Romans 8: 18-21

Hope in Him never fails.

Have a blessed weekend ahead!

xx, Princess of Christ

 

 

Taking that leap (of faith)

Another suicide took place near my area. I glanced across the block and I saw a lady lying motionless, area being cordoned off with red and white tapes. 

What was the first thing that came to my mind? I was wondering, what it would be, if I were, instead the one lying there. Morbid? Perhaps. Beyond the superficial, I was wondering how people would react and feel. How my family would. 

It hasn’t been an easy emotional roller coaster for me I must admit. And to witness for myself a body lain, another victim to suicide, just adds on to the emotional turmoil within me. Thoughts flood, I can’t even being to comprehend what’s running through my mind. And hence, this post, as I attempt to recalibrate and find some coherence in my mind.

Suicide rates are rising we all know that. Research and scholars have also identified various causal factors be it direct or indirect, albeit none being ‘the one factor’.  I believe some know that suicide is multi-causal, and for most victims, their families never get around to figuring out what had caused them to take that ‘leap’. They never will. 

This aside, as I stood there for a couple of seconds, I asked myself, ‘ Was this an act of bravery or cowardice? Was she brave enough to take that leap of faith, or was she too cowardly to face challenges life had thrusted her? What about me? The very fact that I’m still standing here, am I brave or am I too, a coward? Too wimpy to take that final shot?’

Or perhaps, it isn’t even a question about bravery or cowardice. Neither existed in a world so bleak, that jumping off the ledge was merely an act of escapism. How you pressed Ctrl-Alt-Dlt on the keyboard without second thought when the screen froze. 

I have no answers to that, and neither am I of any position to judge. I have no idea what ran through her mind before she took that leap- was it the final straw her mind could tolerate? was it a much deliberated act? was it planned way beforehand?

And I’m wondering what would’ve ran through mine, if I had been the one taking that leap instead. 

People who lack understanding of mental health and suicides tend to make insensitive comments like, ‘why such thoughts? Why say that? Life is so good, there’s no reason to think this way…’ and the list goes on. 

Well given the lack of mental health awareness and the conservative socio-cultural environment we live in, I don’t blame them. 

But if there’s anything I would like to share with the insensitive ones, it’d be, think twice before speaking. Words carry weight you can never fathom. You’ll never know how far your words can take someone, neither do you know how much that mere (harmless) comment could’ve added on to the bucket of straws one held in their mind before taking that leap. 

As for the victims, yes they don’t have to face the trials of life anymore but neither would they face the unfailing sun that rises each dawn. 

With my mind still filled with unconsolidated thoughts, I pray that the family finds peace in the midst of this turmoil; seek to do what’s best for her rather than the answers to her death; learn to spread awareness and love instead of living in regret. 

As for me, either I’m not brave enough to take that leap or that I’m still hanging on to a thread of hope, believing for the rainbow after the storms. And that’s why I’m still standing (sitting) here typing this.

As I end off, I hope that more will come to realize how suicide is masked in ways we can never imagine. It never hurts to pop by to check in on someone, make them feel needed, wanted, loved. 

If you, too, feel hopeless, unwanted, may I remind you that it never is as bleak as it seems. There’s light, even just a glimmer. The darker it is, the brighter the light. Isn’t it? 

Sometimes all you need is taking that leap of faith. 

“Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.”
3 John 1:2 

God makes you (and I) wait, for His purpose

God knows me best. Somehow or other, even when I didn’t know what I needed to hear/read, these articles just surface on my FB feed and obviously it baits me into reading them.

Just wanna share this one I just read here, and just as I’ve been touched by it, I hope you will, too.

Some parts that spoke in depths to me;

Maybe you’re still single because God is trying to teach you another kind of love, the kind of love that you give to your friends, your family, your job and yourself. Maybe he wants you to learn how to live without the constant reassurance and validation you need from a partner and maybe God knows that your journey is full of traveling, self-exploration and movement that getting tied to a partner is not going to be the right fit for you. Maybe he’s teaching you how to walk before you run.

I really needed to hear this, not just in terms of finding a partner, but close friends as well. I have few close friends, because I choose to keep my distance until and unless I know that person very well. I guard my heart for fear of being let down, fear of being disappointed, fear of the unknowns that may come along with each relationship. And while it’s okay to have few close friends, I need to constantly remind myself that this is who I am, and who God made me to be. I do not need friends/ my other half to validate me, boost whatever confidence (or the lack thereof). I know that the closer I get to someone, the more I would yearn for reassurance from mankind. And that’s just one of the last things I would ever wish to reach. My value comes from God, and He has more than reassured me that I’m in Him, He’s well pleased. That should suffice, shouldn’t it?

Maybe God is trying to teach you that you shouldn’t take life too seriously. Maybe the lesson is enjoying life as it is instead of putting deadlines, timelines and expiration dates. Maybe life is just ageless and timeless and we just have to accept that.

Maybe waiting is just another word for letting go. As if God is giving you a sign to let go without worrying about what will happen because he’s going to reward you with something better.

Letting go. Definitely something easier said than done. I believe many of us have baggages to let go, be it big or small, trivial or serious. Whatever your case may be, we often find ourselves in a conundrum only to realise that the root cause of it is something we’ve failed to come to terms with, to let go. I have my fair share of baggages, in fact, way too many to know where to even begin with. I worry and worry and worry (that’s still and understatement) about anything I could possibly think of under the Sun. While I seem alright on the surface, when the rubber hits the road, the avalanche of worries just flood my mind and never leaves. These few weeks have been pretty chill for me, with not too many commitments. And I guess this is a good period for my mind to take a break from over-thinking? I hope so. I definitely need to constantly remind myself of God opening new doors when the ones in front of me close; when all hope seems bleak, only God knows the future. 

Maybe God just wants you to understand that your life will never be perfect and will never go as planned and you just have to try to love it and love him regardless.

Maybe he’s teaching you how to wait because he wants you to know that you can’t always control your life no matter how hard you try because that’s his job, not yours.

Yes, life is never and will never be perfect. As a perfectionist, I know that full well but it’s something I constantly expect of myself- to attain perfection. And the times I grow slightly lax with myself, coaxing myself that “it’s okay to be sub-par because …” , I grow even more critical of such a lax mindset I allow myself to have. “how could you ever lower your expectations? this isn’t you, you can achieve much more…” I chide myself. 

Yet, deep down I’m aware that in the vast eternity of things, these achievements and acclamations fade in the light of God’s glory. But, being aware and believing it fully are totally different, and I’m still trying to allow the knowledge sink into my heart.

Control has always been an issue for me. I need to control, be in control, remain in control in order to feel like I have it all. But do I? I’ve allowed this to take control of my life instead, time and time again, only to find myself falling in the depths of despair and depression. I still struggle alot with this despite seeing for myself how it destroys me and everything else around me. I guess that in spite of my deeply entrenched flaws, nothing can separate me from God’s love and He’s always sending me angels to remind me of things I forget over time.

My sole purpose in life should be to bring glory to Him in the things I do, not to me, my smarts (or the lack); for all things come from Him. I constantly pray that God will use me as a beacon of light for Him, be a broken vessel He uses to bring glory to Him, and I pray that you will too.

Lord, spare me from my successes

It’s been a hot minute since i’ve written anything here; and I apologise for the lack of commitment these days.

I just came across this ‘article’ a friend of mine shared on FB and am simply awed by how it spoke depths into my soul, as though the writer knew the struggles I face day in and out and in my moments when I recalled the past.

read it here:“Lord, spare me from success”

A few quotes I like and are worth pondering over:

I thanked God for sparing me from my dreams of greatness. In my mediocrity, he protected me. In allowing me to fail, he fathered me. In keeping me from success, he kept me for himself.

In the midst of having dreams of greatness, yearnings for huge successes be it in school or at work, how easy is it to find fault with ourselves and with God when things don’t go the way we want and expect? Perhaps, it’s human nature to do so; perhaps, the high expectations we often place on ourselves leads to greater disappointment with faith doesn’t come through for us?
Regardless, thanksgiving in troubles seem ironic; yet may very well be the most powerful tool in shifting our focus on what we did not and could’ve achieved to what we’re potentially created for more.

Now, this is not to confuse carnal success with spiritual fruitfulness. We pray to influence souls, fight sin, proclaim Christ, and live for God’s glory in our families, callings, and careers. He has promised those things. Rather, we renounce the visibility of success — the longing to not only achieve great things by God’s strength, but to ensure that everyone else knows we’ve achieved great things. The obsession to have our faults forgotten and our triumphs published. The temptation to pray blasphemously in our hearts, “I wish them all to be where I am to see my glory.”

In the age of social media we live in, it is redundant to say that many post, longing for ‘likes’, competing for affirmations. We all want our successes recognised, to be visible in the eyes of others, even those we don’t know well/at all.
But it is also when this longing gets flipped the wrong way and robs us of the opportunity to bring glory to whom deserves it- God. As believers, we know that with all successes, there is only 1 source, none other than the God Almighty. But worldly temptations can get the better of us and cause us to falter in our beliefs no matter how strong it may have been.

And that’s when prayer comes in handy, where we’re able to seek refuge, comfort and rest despite the weakness of flesh and ever-faltering beliefs.

May God make us bold enough to pray,

Lord, spare me from the success that would threaten to undo me. Not all victories are good victories; not all triumphs will lead me home. Keep me from those achievements that would puff me up, those accomplishments that would tempt me to forget you.

You’ve taught me to pray, “Lead me not into temptation” — how slow I’ve been to realize the wisdom in all that might mean. But now, seeing my goals and hopes in proper scope, I ask you to do what is best, even if that means the death of my dreams. Not to me, O God, not to me, but to your name give glory, that your steadfast love and faithfulness might be put on display.

I hope this article speaks to you. Have a blessed day/week/month ahead!

With love always xx

Things I gleaned from a conversation

Last week, I met up with a friend to ‘catch up’ over coffee. Yes, finally. I’m finally stepping out of my comfort zone, the places I would hide alone at, to finally meet someone. 

I’ve known her for quite some time, just that we never really got to speak to each other. But I knew deep down that she was someone placed in my life by God. 

So yes, I agreed to meet up over coffee and the conversation that followed just left me flooded with thoughts. In the days that follow, I’ve realised that there were a couple of things I gleaned from the short yet deep and meaningful conversation. If I could just summarize into pointers;

1. There are people who care, care enough to arrange a meet up with me even though I may be the last person anyone would wanna talk to. I’ve had far too many ‘let’s catch up over coffee’ s with the person never asking a second time, never returning. So much so that i’ve probably given up on even asking others out, and when others do ask me, I naturally take it that it’s just gonna be like any other time when people forget about it a second later. So yes, I’m touched when people do remember and mean what they say because these are the genuine ones who will stay for long, or even, for good.

2. Kingdom friendships are important. This is something I know, speak about, and believe (somehow), yet it’s something I can’t quite seem to wrap my head around at times, because of all the failed relationships and friendships I’ve had over the years. (be it due to my ED or not) I’ve come to a place of independence, though I do enjoy every bit of it; but she reminded me that it can get lonely at times, and that’s when friendships come in handy. I do wish that I too, can forge such close-knitted kingdom friendships like others but as of now, I still highly doubt so. All I can do is to take baby steps towards it, and hopefully someday it all works out?
3. Which brings me to my next point- if i don’t learn to let go and surrender, I’ll always remain stagnant, what more hope to reap a harvest? Perhaps, its the fear that’s been holding me back; perhaps the reluctance comes from taking comfort in my current self. Whatever the reason may be, I’m definitely not ready to fully surrender (and have never been since day1). And I guess that’s just setting myself up for failed attempts at living the abundant life that Jesus promised, and watching myself fall into despair each time I falter and fail. I really don’t know when I’m ready to fall at the foot of the cross and bring everything to Jesus, but I know that He loves me regardless.

   “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”
   John 10:10

4. As I recounted how I’ve spent the past few years with ED and all my other mental health issues, it occurred to me, once again, that if not by the grace of God, I wouldn’t have been here today. Time and time again, I’ve seen how He has interceded for me in desperate times, in times when I felt so frightened, lost, frustrated, angry, in times when hope seems devoid. Just a prayer can really turn things around, brought light to the darkness I engulfed myself in, and allowed me, to personally experience what grace really is. All these years when I’ve always thought that no one really understood me (not even my doctors), there’s actually One who does; and He knows me better than I do myself.

   “For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
   Psalms 139:13-14
   

5. Finally, as food for thought. I may not be where I am supposed to be, but I’ve moved from where I was at, years back. And all this is none of my might, but the mere grace of God. If He could raise the dead, what else can He not do in my circumstances, ya?

   “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever”
   Hebrews 13:8